So i’ve torn my Medial Ligament in my knee, Maypole dancing slash showing off to ‘Let’s Get Ready To Rumble’ so for the next 3 weeks, it’s shit TV for me. Talking of which, BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT started yesterday.
New Baby Daddy, Straight Simon and his band of ass kissing celebrities (my Mum does not like David Walliams “ee’s always got his nose right up his bum”) all sat in a line and passed judgement off to hopeful wannabes.
There was a less than impressive Owl, a (pretty vocally weak) boyband which Straight Simon and his trademark eye roll, scorned at before they opened their mouth and then they blasted out a bland version of ‘Stars’ from Les Mis and received a standing ovation from the monkey hoard. Daftpunk came onto stage, Ant & Dec turned the lights off and they put on a UV light robot display, which was alright I suppose. Some weird, ugly guy came on stage with a machine that makes him and his drums spin in a circle, everyone started laughing at him, they even cut to a shot of the monkey people pointing and laughing, and he looked on in pain. There was your customary, Opera singing cry off, she had bad eye make up and gave a very dispassionate performance which the Monkey’s and judges all (figuratively) wanked over. I browsed Twitter during but I did pick up that apparently she was bullied and Opera helped get her through (BOOOOORING). Aleeeesha said she had a ‘gift’ and Straight Simon said she had ‘sung through the pain.’ Everyone (but me) was in tears (i’m dead inside it seems.) The last act was an 80 year old woman with posture problems but killer legs and a young and slightly weird looking young man doing tango. Everyone has gone insane for these two. Mainly due to the fact that Straight Simon had to eat humble pie because he’d buzzed them before the younger man started throwing the 80 year old woman around the room.
This week, I even knew someone on the show. Mzz Kimberley, who, to be honest didn’t come off very well (as trans never do on the Britains Most Transphobic TV show), but Mzz Kimberley without the judgemental dealings of Straight Simon is normally a wonderful act.
Basically there’s no need to watch anymore, i’ll give you a rundown of the next, however many weeks it is:
Act comes on stage, Straight Simon and everyone else judges them, they start doing something that is incongruous to their image, Straight Simon looks on in amazement, Blamanda and Aleeeeeesha cry, Daaaaavid goes catatonic and the judges are offensive to them and the crowd goes wild, YouTube gets involved and then BOOM they are the next 5 minute wonder UNLESS they are like Super ugly people (Potts and Boyle) then Straight Simon gives them make overs and has movies made about them and their music is used for the next year to evoke emotion when someone mentions they have been bullied.
Imagine a snake eating it’s own tail?
I made a sketch about Britains Got Talent a while ago that I do live called ‘Asda Opera’ please have a watch, i’ve linked to it. The dream is that my legs gets better and I don’t have to watch BGT but I think I have some time to kill yet, so I may do this again next week. Sorry for grammar and spelling.