This Christmas, after failing to grab any of the audiences attention and feeling pretty sorry for myself, I tried to enter the green room (a room that performers can get changed in, about the size of a toilet cubicle) of a venue I was doing a Christmas Party for, I could’ve been rubbish or they could’ve been too drunk but in order to maintain patience in this career, i’m choosing the latter. When I walked in an older quite handsome man with his dinner shirt unbuttoned stopped me from coming in and slurred at me ‘uh the (pause) wife, she’s not well. There is sick everywhere.’
‘Why are the lights off then?’ I replied whilst trying to enter the room.
He stumbled on his next reply so I took the opportunity to ask him and still feeling the sting of being ignored ‘if there was in fact sick everywhere’ that if any of it was on my costume I would be requiring compensation for the spillage. He replied slurring this sentence, ‘No there is no sick on the costume. Can you give us a few minutes and i’ll let you in?’ Now a polite person would’ve waited but I wanted to get home and feed the cat so I walked straight in.
I saw a rather bedraggled female, between the ages of 20 – 25 avoiding eye contact and with her flesh coloured tights and christmas pants pulled down, sitting with her bare ass on my costume. And it was whilst I was staring at the Christmas knickers by her ankles that I suddenly felt differently.
Normally i’d kick off, normally i’d say something cutting and witty and then Facebook update about it, but I decided to pull my costume away, grab my stuff and leave.
‘Just before I go, in case this was a private moment, you should probably know there’s actually a camera in this room, up there. See? I always check you see, as i was stung at Frankie and Benny’s once before. Merry Xmas.’
They ignored me when I was on stage, had their backs to me, probably got some sort of love juice on my costume, but in the end I figured that in my job I get to be surrounded by glitter, costumes, music, song, laughter, talent and out of breath drag queens all the time and I get to express myself in front of people every day of the week also i’m pretty broke this Christmas so any ‘gifts’ I can give people – i’m jumping on. I don’t have to hide my happiness in a cupboard at the office christmas party.
I won’t be getting any coal this year.
As always, I apologise about the spelling and grammar. I spent most of my time at school not in class but instead not getting lead roles in all the school musicals, being a reluctant chorus member and learning everyone’s lines as I prayed to Jesus that they’d all have the Eboli Virus in the morning. As it turns out Eboli is pretty rare and Jesus doesn’t answer prayers and make things happen, we do. I’m fed up with him getting all the praise all the fucking time.